It feels like you’re still there, Alice. I’m just not quite sure what you want from me. It’s almost like you’re upset about something. I’m not exactly languishing. Yes, I am still struggling with your passing, but I am definitely moving forward. But there is something going on you would still be upset about.

You always said I deserved better. Any time something challenging would happen in my life, you would listen intently, and finish with a quiet “you deserve better” or “x person, y situation, z nonsense didn’t deserve you.” I always had a gnawing suspicion you applied that to yourself. I sense that is not it, though.

What is it? Why do I feel you would be upset? Do you think I’m still hiding? Maybe that’s it. I suppose I am still in hiding. My voice is coming back, though, and I am so much less willing to silence myself, but perhaps there is a way I’m still in hiding.

I remember as a kid I had a very set purpose. I knew I needed to leave. I travelled halfway across the world at 17. It gave me this single-minded purpose that made everything worthwhile. Once I’d achieved it, I was lost again.

When you died, it felt like the meaning came back. I had a knowing that my sense of purpose returned. What is it then? How can someone have a sense of purpose but not know what it is?

I am really getting tired of consuming- of looking outside of myself for the answers. I now know that the answers others can give me are not the ones I will ever need. I have to create and find my own way. I did it once when I struck out on my own at 17. In a way, I’ve practiced this before when I was much less resourceful.

All of this reminds me of your birthday, Alice. You looked at me when I said I’m going to explore making something of my own outside of the path we were both on. You asked “but what?”

We had that conversation before and your tone then was incredulous. I remember that day because you were curious, even hopeful, like this time it was for real and that if I found the way, maybe you could, too.

I think it’s time for me to start walking. The path will not appear until I do.

Picture by sincerely.harmz (Instagram)