I’ve been reflecting on what femininity even is. There is a growing public discourse on what gender identity really means. I personally don’t believe that the binary exists at all – they are societal constructs we have developed to emphasise traits that might mildly differ by sex.

I am a cis-gendered woman and I have always identified that way. However, growing up in the Middle East, I associated femininity with weakness, passivity, and control. I distinctly remember being given a doll in a dress by my mother and ripping it in front of her. I saw it as a threat disguised as a gift. I wanted to be seen for who I am rather than conforming to the expectations placed on me. I knew intuitively that people wanted me to behave in ways that conflicted with my character. I wanted to be seen as strong, capable, and independent. I realised that the way to project that to the outside world was by aligning myself with masculine appearances.

I felt much more natural in tomboyish clothing, playing football, and pursuing the sciences. It was eerie watching the other girls gradually drop off from the higher maths classes as time progressed. I felt grief looking around me and finding so few people who looked like me. It was isolating and lonely, but reinforced my belief that the only way to survive in the spaces I wanted to be in was by behaving in “masculine” ways. I had hoped that leaving the Middle East would free me from these expectations, but they follow you even in the UK. What was previously expressed explicitly became implicit, implied, and much harder to identify with clarity.

As I’ve softened into a sense of safety, I’m recognising a greater desire to wear dresses, pop some heels on, and experiment with make up. I’ve always loved the parts of me that made me a woman, but I feared my “femininity.” What I’m realising is that being open, vulnerable, and sensitive are not weaknesses. These traits can only come from a place of safety and strength. I’ve not felt safe enough to express these traits before and by suppressing those sides of me, I was still not seen for who I am.

In a talk at a Pint of Science event on AI in healthcare, I wore a dress, make up, and heels as the only woman on stage. I had rarely felt myself dressed that way previously, but this time I felt in control and confident. I realised then that I finally found a way to really express who I am as a whole person – a woman who is courageous, thoughtful, and indpendent, but also capable of empathy, kindness, and softness. Those so-called feminine traits have been hard to express without the safety I learned to provide myself by becoming boundaried, compassionate, and protective of myself. The “masculine” within me allowed the “feminine” to express itself and the “femininity” provided support to the “masculine” side so it may continue to protect me. What I really needed was a sense of balance.

I really appreciate those “masculine” parts of me that helped me survive, but I’m so grateful that I can finally lean into the parts of myself I’ve been too scared to access before. It may finally be time to experiment with my wardrobe and find new ways to express who I really am.

Source for featured image: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/embracing-your-feminity-candice-whitefield